Blonde Jokes

Hopefully I removed all the dirty ones - I know I missed some spelling errors. I think the list might have been orginally compiled by a blonde...

1. Q: How do blonde brain cells die ?
   A: Alone.

2. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
   A: Blow in her ear.

3. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
   A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

4. Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
   A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

5. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
   A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.

6. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
   A: Tell her she's pregnant.

7. Q: How does a blond spell farm?
   A: E-I-E-I-O

8. Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
   A: She drowns it.

9. Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
   A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

10. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
    A: Run....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

11. Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an iq of 125?
    A: a foursome.

12. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
    A: An air bag.

13. Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
    A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

14. Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
    A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

15. Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
    A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

16. Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
    A: She wanted to go on a round trip.

17. Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
    A: She thought it was diet coke.

18. Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
    A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

19. Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
    A: The noise gave her a headache.

20. Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
    A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

21. Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
    A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

22. Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
    A: They don't know the route.

23. Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
    A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

24. Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road?
    A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

25. Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
    A: Elvis has been sighted.

26. Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
    A: Some traffic signs say stop.

27. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
    A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

28. Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
    A: She turned it over and used the other side.

29. Q: What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?
    A: Thanks for the refill.

30. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
    A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

31. Q: How do you plant dope?
    A: Bury a blonde.

32. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
    A: Wave to her.

33. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
    A: With a tire gauge!

34. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
    A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

35. Q: How do you kill a blonde?
    A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

36. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
    A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

37. Q: How do you drown a blond?
    A: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

38. Q: How does a blonde high-5?
    A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

39. Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
    A: Flattered.

40. Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
    A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

41. Q: What can save a dying blonde?
    A: Hair transplants.

42. Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
    A: Third Grade.

43. Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
    A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

44. Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
    A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.

45. Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
    A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

46. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
    A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.

47. Q: What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
    A: A hundred dollar bill.

48. Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
    A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !

49. Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
    A: You don't. They're born that way.

50. Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
    A: They're too hard to peel.

51. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
    A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

52. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
    A: Proofreading.

53. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
    A: For throwing out the W's.

54. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
    A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

55. Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
    A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

56. Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
    A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

57. Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
    A: Air pockets.

58. Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
    A: "Space. The final frontier......"

59. Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
    A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

60. Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
    A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

61. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
    A: Her IQ goes up!

62. Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
    A: They always forget the recipe.

63. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
    A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

64. Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
    A: It's called MAIDS - if the don't get one, they die.

65. Q: Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
    A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.

66. Q: Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a wreck?
    A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

67. Q: Did you hear bout the blonde who couldn't wait to see "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea"?
    A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.

68. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
    A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.

69. Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
    A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.

70. Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
    A: She fell out of the tree.

71. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
    A: One.

72. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
    A: She didn't know what ONE came first...

73. Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
    A: Divorced.

74. Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
    A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!

75. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
    A: She threw it off a cliff.

76. Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
    A: She fell out of the tree.

77. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
    A: The cow fell on her.

78. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
    A: Bobbing for french fries.

79. Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
    A: There's white-out on the screen.

80. Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
    A: She has a checkbook.

81. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
    A: There is a stamp on it.

82. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
    A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

83. Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
    A: Lipstick.

84. Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
    A: You can park in the handicap zone.

85. Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
    A: It takes too long to retrain them.

86. Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
    A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

87. Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
    A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
    or A: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

88. Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
    A: Because they can understand them.

89. Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
    A: They think someone is taking their picture.

90. Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
    A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

91. Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
    A: From eating with forks.

92. Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
    A: Because they can spell it.

93. Q: What does the postcard from a blond's vacation say?
    A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

94. Q: Why do blondes drive VW's ?
    A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!

95. Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
    A: To cover up the valve stem.

96. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
    A: Toes go in first.

97. Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
    A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

98. Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
    A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.

99. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
    A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

100. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
     A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

101. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
     A: They can't remember the number.
     or A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.

102. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
     A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

103. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
     A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

104. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
     A: "What's a lightbulb?"
     or A: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
     or A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

105. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
     A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

106. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
     A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. A2: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

107. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
     A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

108. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
     A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

109. Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
     A: Reservations.

110. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
     A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?

111. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
     A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

112. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
     A: Change.

113. Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
     A: "Thanks for the refill!"

114. Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
     A: Last years hide and go seek winner.

115. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
     A: A whine cellar.

116. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
     A: Air bubbles.

117. Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
     A: An air mattress.

118. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
     A: An Air Bag.

119. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
     A: A mental block.

120. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
     A: A wind tunnel.

121. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
     A: A dope ring.

122. Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
     A: Divorcee'

123. Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
     A: Pregnant.

124. Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
     A: A visitor.

125. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
     A: Gifted!

126. Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
     A: An interpreter.

127. Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
     A: Frosted Flakes.

128. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
     A: A Space Invader.

129. Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
     A: Branch Manager.

130. Q: What do you call a smart blond?
     A: A golden retriever.

131. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
     A: The inside of the back of her head.

132. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
     A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...

133. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
     A: Artificial intelligence.

134. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
     A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

135. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
     A: They're both empty from the neck up.

136. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
     A: They both have black roots.

137. Q: What does a blonde owl say?
     A: What, what?

138. Q: What do you call a pimple on a blonde's butt?
     A: A brain tumor.

139. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
     A: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the M&Ms.

140. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
     A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

141. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
     A: I don't know.
     Q: Neither did she.

142. Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
     A: To see what was on the other side.

143. Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
     A: Too many blondes were drowning.

144. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
     A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

145. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
     A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

146. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
     A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

147. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
     A: To turn the blinker off.

148. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
     A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

149. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
     A: To see what was on the other side.

150. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veteranarian?
     A: Because she loved children.

151. Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
     A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

152. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
     A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

153. Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
     A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.

154. Q: Why does it work?
     A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"

155. Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
     A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

156. Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
     A: She missed the Earth!

157. Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
     A: Nail polish!

158. Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
     A: The vegetable garden.

159. Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
     A: One.

160. Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
     A: Far-from-thinkin

161. Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
     A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

162. Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
     A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

163. Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
     A: Spot.

164. Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
     A: Air Supply.

165. Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
     A: A blond electrician

166. Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
     A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

167. Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
     A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

168. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
     A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

169. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
     A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

170. Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
     A: The Air Pump!

171. Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
     A: Peroxide.

172. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
     A: Data transfer.

173. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a grocery cart.
     A: A grocery cart has a mind of its own.

174. Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
     A: After a dye job.

175. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
     A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

176. Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
     A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

177. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
     A: Grade 4.

178. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
     A: 144 blondes.

179. Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
     A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

180. Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
     A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

181. Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
     A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

182. Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
     A: It swells at night.

183. Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
     A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

184. Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
     A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

185. Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
     A: She moved.

186. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
     A: A blonde parade.

187. Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
     A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

188. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
     A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

189. Q: A guy asked his blonde wife "how did you get the car in the living room"?
     A: She said "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."

190. Q: Someone asked if a blonde believed in smoking.
     A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done."

191. Did you hear about the blonde who:
     • was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
     • took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
     • got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
     • was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
     • thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
     • after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
     • brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?