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Carter vs. Clinton
- Jimmy Carter had a nicer wife,
- A smarter baby brother,
- A less frightening mom,
- And a...No, we can't bring ourselves to make fun of the first daughter,
especially since some of us have been going through an awkward
adolescent stage for nearly four decades. But we can say: "Darn it,
Hillary, quit fussing with your hair and do something about Chelsea's."
- And, speaking of coiffures, Jimmy Carter never in his life got a haircut
that cost more than $2.50, if appearances are anything to go by.
- Carter had governed a more important state.
- Carter had once held a job.
- He came from a more cosmopolitan hometown,
- And had a more charismatic vice president.
- It took Carter months to wreck the economy.
- It took Carter weeks to become a national laughingstock.
- Carter committed adultery only in his heart.
- And, if we know anything about female tastes, Carter was telling the truth
about that.
- As for military record, Carter was, comparatively speaking, a regular
Audie Murphy.
- They were on drugs during the Carter administration--they had an excuse.
- We were on drugs during the Carter administration--we had an excuse.
- Carter looked--think back carefully, we promise we're telling the truth
about this--less foolish in his jogging outfit.
- Jogging actually worked for Carter. Say what you want against the man,
he's no double-butt.
- Carter passed out while jogging and the nation was safe for a moment.
| Compare and Contrast |
|---|
| Carter Administration | Clinton Administration |
|---|
| Pardoning Draft Dodgers | Draft Dodgers |
| Women integrated into the military | Men dressed like women integrated into the military |
| Return of canal to Panama | Return of Haitians to Haiti |
| Bail-out of Chrysler Corp. | Jobs in the White House travel office for hick cousins from Arkansas |
| Creation of Departments of Energy and Education | Can't find enough gay disabled women of color to head Departments he's got already |
| President successfully treated for hemorrhoids | Hillary still heading health-care reform panel |
| Russians in Afghanistan | Brit Hume in White House press corps |
| Jody Powell with feet on desk | George Stephanopoulos with feet not quite touching floor |
| Kidding Mexicans about Montezuma's revenge | Kidding Mexicans about NAFTA |
| Boycott of Moscow Olympics | Not seeing much of the Bloodworth-Thomasons lately |
| Hostage rescue attempt in Iran | Trying to get Zoe Baird confirmed at Justice |
| Mount St. Helens | Air Force General Harold Campbell |
| Peace between Israel and Egypt | Peace between the FBI and IRS |
| Elvis dead | Barbra Streisand all too lively |
| SALT II | U2 |
| Three Mile Island | Sam Nunn |
| Admiral Hyman Rickover | The Tidybowl Man |
| Wimping out in the face of the second most powerful military force in the world | Wimping out in the face of Slobodan Milosevic |
| Gas shortage | Gassiest administration since who knows when |
| Mariel Boatlift | Which one is she? Does Hillary know about this one? |
| Proposition 13 | (Fill in your own Clinton libido joke here) |
- Carter was a good man to have on board when your canoe was attacked by a
swimming rabbit.
- Carter hardly ever hugged or kissed anyone in public except Leonid
Brezhnev.
- The FBI didn't kill anybody at Jonestown.
- Bert Lance could make a bigger splash doing a cannonball into the Camp
David pool than Webb Hubbell.
- Hamilton Jordan could beat Mack McLarty at arm wrestling.
- Plus Jordan could get into Studio 54.
- Joseph Califano was prettier than Donna Shalala.
- And he opposed abortion (though maybe he hadn't met Donna yet).
- Warren Christopher was young and full of pep during the Carter
administration.
- And Warren Christopher's initials look funnier on a brief case than Cyrus
Vance's did.
- Zbigniew Brzezinski is worth more points in a Scrabble game than Anthony
Lake.
- Jimmy Carter didn't play any Fleetwood Mac songs on the campaign trail,
- Or any Judy Collins records at home,
- Or any saxophones anywhere.
| The Undead |
|---|
| Carter Administration | Clinton Administration |
|---|
| Miss Lillian | VAT |
- No one can say a word against a Carter Supreme Court appointee.
- Carter did not use Bloomsbury, Mayfair, Pall Mall, Hackney, Notting Hill,
Shoreditch, or any other London neighborhood as the name of his child.
- One thing about Carter-era inflation, the money may have been worthless
but at least we had some.
| Endangered Species |
|---|
| Carter Administration | Clinton Administration |
|---|
| The Snail Darter | The DLC |
- Jimmy Carter's nervous smirk was less demanding of a punch in the snoot,
even if it did present a larger target.
| Major Foreign Policy Questions |
|---|
| Carter Administration | Clinton Administration |
|---|
| Should Red China have a seat in the UN? | Is Macedonia what Macedonia is supposed to be called? |
| Does Nicaragua have strategic importance? | Is it "Ukraine" or "The Ukraine" ? |
| What type of relationship with Israel best serves America's interests? | If those guys are so Jewish, how come they aren't on the staff of Tikkun? |
| Is it time for America to relinquish its global leadership role? | Should Chelsea go to Japan with Bill and Hillary? |
| Would economic sanctions on South Africa be effective? | How about economic sanctions on white males right here in the USA? |
| Should we sell wheat to Russia? | Let's just give them a bunch of money. |
| Is deployment of the neutron bomb immoral? | Does appointing Jean Kennedy Smith ambassador to Ireland put the Kennedys in their place or what? |
| Language Which The President Would Not Shut Up In |
|---|
| Carter | Clinton |
|---|
| Spanish | English |
- Navy football team can whip Oxford's.
World View
What Ideas Loom Inside Their Respective Thick Skulls? |
|---|
| Carter | Clinton |
|---|
| Human rights | Partnership role for the First Lady |
| Moral equivalent of war | Partnership role for the First Lady |
| National malaise | More mayonnaise |
| Diminished expectations | David Gergen |
- Carter did not, as part of focusing on his agenda, address himself as
"Stupid." He let us do that for him.
- Carter wore real blue jeans and not the Levi's 550 roomy-in-the-buns kind.
| Compare and Contrast II |
|---|
| Carter Administration | Clinton Administration |
|---|
| Mork and Mindy | Mary Matalin and James Carville |
| Laverne and Shirley | Cokie Roberts and Anna Quindlen |
| The Dukes of Hazard | Various half brothers |
| Three's Company | Gennifer Flowers |
| Happy Days | 1980-1992 |
| The Incredible Hulk and Wonder Woman | Marriage seems stable for the moment, but super powers are fading |
| WKRP | NPR |
| Star Wars | Base closings |
| Annie Hall | Anita Hill |
| Grease | Mousse |
| Saturday Night Fever | Saturday night working late at the OEOB |
| The Goodbye Girl | Kimba Wood |
| Midnight Express | Bus trips |
| La Cage Aux Folles | The Marines |
| All the President's Men | Home Alone II |
| Abbie Hoffman | Socks the cat |
- Carter's poll ratings were higher (in Iraq).
- Carter walked the whole inaugural parade route.
- Carter saved America from a plague of Misha the Bear Olympic mascot toys.
- Has Bill Clinton helped the Shah of Iran get medical treatment?
- Carter spent his time doing things like figuring out the White House
tennis court playing schedule--the man knew his intellectual limitations.
- Carter had enough clout to get Lani Guinier appointed to the Justice
Department (and anyone who gets shot down for holding Menckenish
views about the excesses of democracy had to be some kind of friend
of ours even if she doesn't know it).
- Carter let the Soviets have Angola, Ethiopia, and South Yemen. And, in
retrospect, the Soviets deserved no better.
- Carter wasn't a throwback to the Carter Era.
- And let us not forget that Jimmy Carter gave us one thing Bill Clinton
can never possibly give us--Ronald Reagan.
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Barking Spider
